Adventures in Socio-Linguistics!

England and America are two countries separated by the same language - George Bernard Shaw

And an excruciating twelve hour trans-Atlantic flight. - Corene Maret Brown



After many year spent as an apprentice at my mother's knee trying to decipher what the hell they were going on about on Coronation Street, I can usually understand the English folk as long as they aren't mumbling in a broad Oxfordshire or marble-mouthed east London accent. However, as interested linguists will be foaming at the mouth to know, there are several strange lexicographical turn of phrases that haven't made it over the ocean and inevitably provide hilarious verbal hijinks with Canadian visitors bearing the brunt of the ridicule.

The most important thing for visitors to the UK to note:
TROUSERS (United Kingdom) = PANTS (North America)
PANTS (North American) = NAUGHTY BIT COVERS (United Kingdom)

I cannot stress this enough. At no point in any conversation with someone from the UK should you ever say: "God, I can't wait to put some pants on."

My most memorable lost in translation moment was when I was chatting to a co-worker; a charming, mannered Scottish lady of impeccable moral standards.

"I have to go home and tidy my flat," she said.

"Why? I haven't bothered to clean anything in my apartment since the shooting season started. I think we clean enough all day, every day."

"Well, I have a man coming to inspect my flat and I can't have him thinking I'm a slut."

"..."

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"... That word cannot mean what you think I think it means."

After a long, involved discussion with lots of incredulous stares (on her part) and shrieks of laughter (on my part), we discerned that in fact she was not a lady of negotiable virtue nor was her apartment knee deep in frilly underwear. In Scotland, a "slut" is a messy, lackadaisical woman who doesn't care about standards or how she looks.

And now you know.

Eat your heart out, Calvin Veltman.

Maid Mishaps

I just burnt a hole in my shoe.

A hole in my favourite 15 quid maid shoes.

I was trying not to dishonour my country by freezing to death indoors in the wussy English winter by keeping close to the gas fire (as the link between gas heating and huge explosions when people forget they've left the gas oven on and light a match has not yet been discovered in this country), leaning against the grate with my shoe perched against the metal edge for balancing purposes when after a few minutes of heated luxury, I felt a strange sensation akin to my nylons melting to the skin of my foot.

I looked down and realized that the sole of my shoe was melting. The heat was so intense that it was burning through my shoe and making a full frontal assault on my extremely flammable nylons in a very painful way.

Lesson learned?

Gas Fires: Not Just for Decoration - Actually Producing Heat.

Odd About Town

Things that are delightful & strange about England:


1. "Britvic - Sparkling Ginger Ale" The United Kingdom's answer to Canadian Dry ginger ale. Tastes like water that has lost the will to live. 'Parently after years of murdering their taste buds with deep fried toast and stomachs of various farm animals, they can no longer taste the difference.

And their Sprite tastes like dirt. Literally. I think there were flecks of sod in my can.


2. Light switches switch on and off the opposite way. Flipped up is on and flipped down is off. This would seem to make sense written down but try testing your own light switches at home. See? It's all wrong.

I spent my first few nights in the United Kingdom convinced that electricity was still on rationing as everytime I tried to flip on a switch, I remained plunged in darkness.


3. The bats are vicious, maid seeking missiles which apparently don't have rabies. A fact that people only bothered to tell me once I spent an entire afternoon being chased around screaming by a ravenous looking beast.


4. Bill Bailey.